An election. A French election. A UK election. Enough is enough!
Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
Hot take incoming … There should be a limit on the number of elections each year. Under what will surely become known as The Declassified Plan, you have to inform an international body — the United Nations or FIFA or McDonald’s — if you want to go to the ballot box but once the threshold has been reached, you have to wait until the next year.
There will be a senior global figure on hand to step in and be president or prime minister if necessary (the following have been contacted to fill those roles: Jean-Claude Juncker, Tony Blair and Taylor Swift. The latter is very keen on the idea).
We’ve already had the EU election, which is very much the hors d’oeuvre before the all-you-can-eat buffet that is the French parliamentary votes and the U.K. election.
We already know the result in Britain, making it the North Korea of the North Sea (starring Keir Starmer as Kim Jong Un). It’s a more fitting comparison than you might think as Rishi Sunak provides about as much competition as the North Korean opposition does. That hasn’t stopped the election from being rather entertaining, thanks in part to numerous betting scandals, the oddest of which was Labour candidate Kevin Craig wagering that he would lose. In what we might generously describe as a desperate apology, Craig said he made the wager to raise money for charity.
Also on the verge of losing are many Tories who we have grown to know and love (and by love, I mean love making fun of), such as Michael Gove (who isn’t standing for reelection) who you may remember once rocked up on his own at a nightclub in Aberdeen wearing that classic clubbing outfit of suit and tucked-in shirt. Gove was described by one reveler as having enjoyed “a good few shandies.”
On the ballot but far from guaranteed to keep his seat is the Haunted Pencil himself, Jacob Rees-Mogg. Earlier this year, he slammed liberals who “drink skimmed milk to go with their faux leather sandals.” If I was Dan Norris, the Labour candidate who could beat Rees-Mogg, I’d show up on election night swigging from a pint of milk and with sandals on.
Meanwhile in France, top marks go to Ladislas Vergne of Les Républicains who, annoyed by the far-right National Rally parachuting a candidate into his constituency, decided to throw himself out of a plane wearing a parachute.
Rumors that Emmanuel Macron was thinking of doing the same thing sans parachute — to prove how much of a cool risk-taker he is — were unconfirmed at the time of going to press.
“Thank you for listening. No, there will not be an encore.”
Can you do better? Email [email protected] or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque
Last time we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.
“Look, he’s bringing on Conor Gallagher again! We’re not making it past the quarters,” by Sam Clark.
Paul Dallison is POLITICO’s deputy EU editor.
The three names will now be presented to EU leaders for their approval at a summit Thursday.
It’s been a bad week for EU decision-making but a good one for trolling and the War on Jargon.
Politicians may be playing the long game and hoping one day that people will name their kids after them.
Wrong results, wrong ballots and snap elections.
