By Reuben Blanchard | June 13, 2024
WORCESTER, Mass. — Longtime Taylor Swift condemner Harris Simmons finally got around to hearing one of the famous pop singer’s songs, despite years of calling her “the worst thing to happen to music since the Spice Girls,” sources confirmed.
“I thought the song ‘Fortnight’ kinda had a cool ‘80s vibe, but I was still unsure if it was good, because there was some girl singing, and you know, that can go either way,” said Simmons. “But then I recognized Post Malone’s voice. That’s how I knew it was a cool song. That guy’s an OG. So, in essence, I guess I do like Tay Tay songs, but only when Post Malone sings them. I’ve been called a misogynist in the past. But I don’t think I am. Simply because I have no idea what that word means.”
Friends of Simmons were visibly irritated while trying to hold a conversation with him about music.
“He’s the most frustrating person I’ve ever met. He constantly talks about how awful her music is, but can’t name one of her songs,” said Mike Dorland, Simmons’ coworker at Market Basket. “I asked him once what he hates about her, and he said he only likes ‘punk and heavy stuff.’ But when I checked if he wanted my extra Bikini Kill ticket, he went on his phone for a sec and then said he doesn’t listen to ‘chick music.’ He clearly had no idea who they were and just looked them up right then.”
Dr. Karen Murray, a professor of cultural studies at Boston University, hypothesizes that Simmons’ behavior is part of a larger movement of men who have strong opinions, but don’t want to put the time in to do the research to back up those beliefs.
“There are lots of guys like Harris who can’t stand Taylor Swift on principle. And honestly, as one of the biggest pop stars in the world, she’s inevitably going to attract lots of negative attitudes,” said Dr. Murray. “However, unlike those who dislike her due to her overuse of private planes, her being a member of the billionaire class, or just plain old not enjoying her music, those like Harris seem to find the fact that she’s a woman, classically attractive, and has never had sex with them to be the major reasons they dislike her.”
At press time, Simmons was seen listening to a Beyonce song for the first time, despite years of saying Jay-Z made superior music.
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