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The NFL may be in its Taylor Swift era now, but Long Story Short, we’ve been here since the original lyrics to “Picture to Burn.” The girl on the bleachers, meanwhile, is busier than ever, as she attended the Grammys last Sunday, then hit the road again, relaunching her Eras Tour in Tokyo last Wednesday. She grabbed her passport and landed in Los Angeles on Saturday to see King of Her Heart Travis Kelce and the Chiefs take on the 49ers in the Super Bowl on Sunday, Feb. 11 (kickoff at 6:30 p.m. ET on CBS, Nickelodeon and Paramount+).
To honor the Electric Touch Swift has had on the NFL this season, no matter what the dads, Brads and Chads want to whine about, we’ve assigned one song from Swift’s impressively deep discography to each of the 32 teams. Sure, everyone would love to be her Love Story but someone has to be the Foolish One. And yes, some of these may be a stretch. Tolerate It.
The lyric: Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street
The song: “Red (Taylor’s Version)”
The rationale: No one could deny Kyler Murray’s talent, but it’s hard to see his time in Arizona leading to any sort of notable success at this point.
The lyric: I saw the scoreboard and ran for my life
The song: “Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince”
The rationale: It’s been almost seven years since “28-3” and no one with any emotional stake in the Falcons has gotten over it. Don’t blame them.
The lyric: I don’t know how it gets better than this
The song: “Fearless (Taylor’s Version)”
The rationale: It works for both Lamar Jackson’s regular season heroics and as a decidedly less optimistic but also perfect reaction to the Ravens’ playoff shortcomings.
The lyric: This is why we can’t have nice things, darlin’, because you break them, I had to take them away
The song: “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”
The rationale: With Stefon Diggs’ time in Buffalo seemingly ending, it appears they’ll once again be in the market for a No. 1 receiver. Still in the market for that first Super Bowl too.
The lyric: Baby baby, I feel crazy, up all night and every day, ’cause I gave you something and you gave me nothing, what is happening to me?
The song: “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever” by Zayn & Taylor Swift
The rationale: The Panthers chose Bryce Young over C.J. Stroud in the draft, and whether anyone in Charlotte will admit it, they must be losing sleep over that pick less than a year later.
The lyric: I’m a mess, but I’m the mess that you wanted
The song: “Dancing With Our Hands Tied”
The rationale: Is it a good idea to bring back the GM, head coach and quarterback responsible for going 10-24 across the last two seasons? Hard to say! But for better or worse, the Bears’ main characters want to sink or swim together.
The lyric: Could it be easy this once? Everything that’s mine is a landmine
The song: “The Alcott” by The National (ft. Taylor Swift)
The rationale: Taylor’s feature on a song by Cincinnati’s favorite sons The National sums up Bengaldom brilliantly — the promised land is so close … if they can avoid the landmines.
The lyric: Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time
The song: “Look What You Made Me Do”
The rationale: They’ve climbed out of decades of constant tragedy to become a respectable NFL franchise with two playoff berths in four seasons under coach Kevin Stefanski, the most recent one with a quarterback who rose from the dead to boot.
The lyric: You taught me about your past, thinkin’ your future was me
The song: “All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)”
The rationale: Have you ever met a Cowboys fan (or owner) who wasn’t obsessed with things that happened in the ’90s? Me neither.
The lyric: Long live all the mountains we moved, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
The song: “Long Live (Taylor’s Version)”
The rationale: They’ve spent two decades moving mountains trying to recapture the glory of the Elway years. It worked for a brief moment with Peyton Manning. The Sean Payton/Russell Wilson experiment, though, has been an abject failure.
The lyric: Are we only biding time ’til I lose your attention and someone else lights up the room? People love an ingénue
The song: “Nothing New (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)”
The rationale: Coach Dan Campbell went from America’s Sweetheart to America’s Scapegoat in the span of two quarters of a game. With stellar offensive coordinator Ben Johnson spurning head coaching openings to return to Detroit, it may not be long before Campbell is “nothing new.”
The lyric: He’s charming and endearing and I’m comfortable
The song: “The Way I Loved You (Taylor’s Version)”
The rationale: After a protracted split from a quarteback who we’d be hard pressed to describe as endearing, the Packers woke up and found Love.
The lyric: I don’t wanna look at anything else now that I saw you
The song: “Daylight”
The rationale: Every football fan who wasn’t already in love with C.J. Stroud fell hard during the Texans’ wild card rout of the Browns — and they didn’t even see injured fellow rookie receiver Tank Dell.
The lyric: He can be my jailer, Burton to this Taylor, every love I’ve known in comparison is a failure
The song: “…Ready for It?”
The rationale: It took a lengthy holdout and a whole lot of posturing but in the end, there was only one Burton for this (Jonathan) Taylor. If Anthony Richardson pans out, Jonathan will be thrilled he stayed.
The lyric: You are the one I have been waiting for, king of my heart
The song: “King of My Heart”
The rationale: Trevor Lawrence still has the hearts of Jags fans … for now. The honeymoon period may not last through many more letdowns like 2023, though.
The lyric: It’s you and me, that’s my whole world
The song: “Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince”
The rationale: Beyond the extremely obvious Tayvis implication, it’s also apropos of the magic between Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce (and the lack of other weapons in the offense).
The lyric: For a moment a band of thieves in ripped-up jeans got to rule the world
The song: “Long Live (Taylor’s Version)”
The rationale: NFL fans under the age of 40 have never lived in a world where the Raiders were the league’s premier franchise, but the oldheads swear it was a thing once.
The lyric: I guess we fell apart in the usual way
The song: “Holy Ground (Taylor’s Version)”
The rationale: The Chargers are Jets West — but for the Bolts it tends to be more calamity than tragedy. It’s up to Jim Harbaugh to salvage Justin Herbert’s career before it’s too late.
The lyric: Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?
The song: “You’re Losing Me (From The Vault)”
The rationale: The chatter about Sean McVay walking away has died down since last offseason, but the questions remain about what direction to take a roster caught between a recent Super Bowl win and a need to get younger.
The lyric: I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
The song: “this is me trying”
The rationale: The 2023 Dolphins in a nutshell — from Super Bowl favorites in September to a Week 18 collapse against the Bills and a Wild Card exit. Maybe it’s coach Mike McDaniel in a nutshell too?
The lyric: I fell from the pedestal, right down the rabbit hole, long story short it was a bad time
The song: “long story short”
The rationale: Remember just over a year ago when the Vikings had a home playoff game and eyes on the Super Bowl? Long story short, the outlook in the Twin Cities has gotten a bit bleaker since then.
The lyric: There goes the last great American dynasty
The song: “the last great american dynasty”
The rationale: In lieu of explaining that which needs no explanation, here’s a fun fact: this song was written about a house in New England.
The lyric: He never thinks of me, except when I’m on TV
The song: “Midnight Rain”
The rationale: The most exciting part of the Saints’ 2023 season may well have been rookie quarterback Jake Haener’s arrival … in the preseason. This is a team desperate for an identity in the post-Brees/Payton era.
The lyric: You traded your baseball cap for a crown, when they gave us our trophies and we held them up for our town
The song: “Long Live (Taylor’s Version)”
The rationale: Every now and then, Big Blue comes along and steals the city’s attention from the Bronx Bombers. They’re pretty forgettable the rest of the time.
The lyric: The story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now — next chapter
The song: “The Story Of Us (Taylor’s Version)”
The rationale: It’s always something for the poor, downtrodden Jets. Here’s hoping the next chapter lasts longer than four snaps, but it’ll probably end in tragedy.
The lyric: I don’t like that falling feels like flying till the bone crush
The song: “gold rush”
The rationale: That 10-1 record felt a whole lot like flying. We all know what happened next.
The lyric: If he drops my name, then I owe him nothin’ and if he spends my change, then he had it comin’
The song: “I Did Something Bad”
The rationale: If you’ve followed this team for the last couple decades you should get this one — and if you’re a Steelers player looking for a new contract, you should be willing to get it from a different team.
The lyric: It’s wonderful to see that it never fazed you — hello, ‘Mr. Perfectly Fine’
The song: “Mr. Perfectly Fine (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)”
The rationale: Brock Purdy was saddled with the “Mr. Irrelevant” moniker that goes annually to the final pick of the NFL Draft, but he’s been plenty relevant for the last two years — and a whole lot better than “Perfectly Fine” — while never letting the nickname shake him.
The lyric: I had a marvelous time ruining everything
The song: “the last great american dynasty”
The rationale: The Seahawks are a mess with an entirely uncertain future, but at least Pete Carroll seemed to be having a blast till the bitter end!
The lyric: I could be the way forward, only if they pay for it
The song: “cowboy like me”
The rationale: Baker Mayfield got his career back on track and got the Bucs to the playoffs in the first season after Tom Brady (actually) retired. Now the all-important question: to pay Baker or not to pay Baker?
The lyric: I feel like my castle’s crumbling down
The song: “Castles Crumbling (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)”
The rationale: King Henry’s best days are behind him, Mike Vrabel’s been shown the door, and the Titans haven’t had much else to hang their hats on of late. It’s time to rebuild in Nashville.
The lyric: Let’s fast forward to 300 awkward blind dates later
The song: “Is It Over Now? (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)”
The rationale: New owner, new coach, probably a new franchise name and quarterback in the near future too. We’ll see what Washington looks like in a couple years but for now it’s a lot of awkward hellos.
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